The heart chakra (Sanskrit name: अनाहत) is one of the 8 main chakras in kundalini yoga. It addresses matters of the heart, like compassion, love, forgiveness, anger, a deep connection with your surroundings, issues of trust, the ability to let go and open your heart to opportunities that serve the heart center with new beginnings.
I would like to talk about one of the 12 petals of celestial universal love, forgiveness. All my life I have built up excess anger and bitterness in my heart. Let’s begin with my father. My mum told me when I was younger that he had left us when I was three years old. She told me about a bicycle that he never bought. He cheated on her and finally after not telling her when he got home after a “business trip’ she decided to call it a quits. She changed the key and he tried a couple of times to get her back. But he didn’t try enough. My mum left him. But he left me. As I grew up I visited my godmother on my holiday many years later and the subject about my father was brought up again. I was told that he left when I was three months. 3 Months???!!! I was three months old? I had been told a lie about my father. How in God`s name could a father just leave his daughter after 3 months! That hurt so much. Ever since I felt like I didn’t belong. Something was missing. I missed him so much, I missed him whenever I would watch a movie of daughters and fathers that played games and laughed. I missed him whenever a father would comfort his daughter after she had a fight with her boyfriend.
I missed him in every single detail of my life. I missed him when I fantasize about my friend’s fathers and how they would treat their daughters. I would imagine myself theirs just for a second when I closed my eyes so I could feel loved and cradled like a little child again.
I felt utterly and totally vulnerable for a couple of years where I mostly silently observed my surroundings and secretly admired my friend’s fathers for a while. How lucky they have been. In my teens, the silence turned even more inwards and I began to feel overwhelmed by the pressure it had on me, with me being a teen myself and having no father, I started writing, I poured my heart out on the computer screen. I sat every night and wrote.
All those years I turned my focus and all my energy on blaming him and others for not being loved. It wasn’t before later on in my 30s that I had an epiphany and a life-saving insight that would change how I viewed love again. I started to focus my attention inward and learning from scratch, how to grow and cultivate forgiveness towards myself and learning to love my self again. This is a continuous challenge which I still have some troubles with even today, because of the vulnerability of my past and how my life was as a teen.
A Poem about my father titled “The Decisive Moment”.
I grew up without my father my whole life. I translated this poem below from my diary from when I was around 22 years old.
The Decisive Moment
Written by Tiaga Nihal Kaur.
All Rights Reserved. 2017.
Copyright Metta Yoga.
A candle flickers in the midst of the darkened night
My heart longs for a father who is out of sight
My eyes wide open, I await him with my soul torn apart
I am his daughter living a life of tears with a broken heart
My only wish is that my father could help me heal
I suffer because the memory of you was the only thing real
I suffer because I don’t have a father that holds me, dear
I suffer because I don’t have a father that is there
We are today separated by a distance too far to travel
with a painful longing, I wish we could unravel
I try to forget about the time that you left
When you walked out the door with my heart as your theft
We are bonded by blood, I am your only daughter
Do I have to beg for you to be my father?
I’m drowning in deep water
I suffer because I believe you left me because you don’t care
I suffer because I don’t have a memory of you that I can share
Why do I even I cry when I don’t have you in my life?
I have no single memory of you where we were in strife
I don’t know how many times I prayed for my wish to come true
I deeply wish that I had a father whom I knew
I suffer because you would never give me a single chance
I suffer because you missed my first school dance
Your promising vow, your ensuring look
I wasn’t even a number in your checkbook
All I want is to be someone in his eyes
I grow into a teenager where all questions arise
I suffer because of I thaught myself the ability to disguise my cries
I suffer because I paint my face with different nuances of lies
Where are you? have you erased me from your mind?
Why did I get a father that was so unkind?
The first time I fell I didn’t have you there to catch me
Why do I have to feel this pain and you are completely free?
I suffer because I know you can’t heal my pain
I suffer because I know I cry daily in vain
I count the hours and minutes until you call
In the meantime, I dream that I fall
You could be my Gaia, my ground beneath my soles
The grass in between my toes
I suffer because you could be the wind that lifted my fears
I suffer because I don’t know if you have any tears
Why do I have to carry your judgment in my chest?
Do you know that you have my life in arrest?
I’ll try to remain strong until I see you the first time
I will try to repress my sorrow that you didn’t commit a crime
I suffer because I know deep in my heart I didn’t deserve this
I suffer because you never chose me, I was never his
Please, I beg you father. Can you mend my broken heart?
I`ve had enough nightmares of you tearing me apart
All these years I had felt something missing in my life
Look at my father. This is real-life.
I suffer because I longed so deeply for him, but all I had was a hollow past
I suffer because I am ashamed that I want to let go, time flies by very fast
It`s been many lonely hours without you there
I pretend to create a life with you here
I’m haunted by my thoughts of not having a single memory of you
I don’t even know if you exist or a dream I actually can pursue
I suffer because I don’t want to expect anything from my father
I suffer because I don’t know if you ever want to meet me?!?
Can I reach out my hand?
Can you see me?
Download the whole poem here.
Questions you could ask yourself to see how your heart chakra is.
Q: Are you open to welcome love into your life? Both in regards to self-love, loving someone else and also welcoming their love to fill your heart?
Q: How do you deal with matters of the heart? When was the last time you cultivated forgiveness in your own heart? I found out that forgiveness is when you reach the insight of that you forgive not because of them, you forgive because you let go of anger, bitterness, sorrow and you allow yourself to transform. You begin to welcome the space in your heart where you used to fill it to the edges with suffering.
Forgiveness is about letting go of what doesn’t serve you anymore. I have now met my father for the first time when I was 28 years old. And that was a memory that I cherish until this day. Having forgiveness in my heart to let go of the hurt and suffering for his life choices. Finally acknowleding that my self-love is all I need. I am also so lucky to have the most wonderful boyfriend, my soulmate by my side. He is truly my most precious gift of love I could ever imagine to have.
Q: Do you cultivate deep listening with compassion when listening to other people? Love begins with the ability to listen with the pure intention to love.
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Thanks for reading!
Tiaga Nihal Kaur,